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Afraid To Be Alone

Are you afraid to be alone? I was once.

I finally got into an actual relationship where I feel loved and was able to hold hands with someone that I could call my boyfriend.

To me the intimacy, label and being able to shout out to the whole world that I am someone’s girlfriend was very important. I was in a relationship for almost a year but broke it off 2 days before the anniversary.

Let me tell you how the relationship went before I tell you why I broke it off 2 days before the anniversary.

On our 2nd month together, I was sketched out about the whole thing about him still needing to communicate with his ex girlfriend, but I let him be. Why? Because he had a reason and his reason was because he still has her phone and doesn’t have the money to buy a new one.

I was okay about it at first, with of course a little jealousy feeling. I mean, wouldn’t you be jealous? Do you ever feel like there’s something fishy going on in your boyfriend’s messenger? Do you ever feel like checking your boyfriend’s phone? I did. I checked. The first time I’ve ever violated someone’s privacy was the time I found out that he was using me to make his ex girlfriend jealous.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it if he makes his ex girlfriend jealous by showing me off, but in that text it was a message saying something else that’s above just showing me off.

How would you feel after seeing a message like this? I cried a lot. I thought I finally have someone I can call my boyfriend.

I confronted him about the message I saw, I had to and he was mad that I violated his privacy.

I didn’t talk to him for a few days and he came back with a message...

Would you go back? Would you start over with someone who used you and hurt you? I did.

We started all over again, and I thought it would be different. Joke's on me. The relationship was toxic. He was mentally and physically abusive. He said he hates people who are manipulative but he was one of them. How was he abusive? I talk to absolutely any guy even my gay best friend he’d freak out and punch me. If I hang out with my friends he MUST be there, and lastly he would always say things that hurt my feelings and make me feel like crap. I had to endure the whole relationship and others would ask ‘’why not just break up with him?’’, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know why I didn’t wanna break up even though deep inside I know I want to.

There was a time where he went crazy, where he spat on a random person on the train because he thinks he was looking at me. I had to hide my face, it was really humiliating. I told myself to just end things, just tell him you can’t take this relationship anymore but I couldn’t. I then realized that I was afraid to be alone but I asked myself, would you rather be alone while being able to have peace or be with someone and feel scared? I knew the answer but I didn’t do it.

Months passed and I was still with him, things were getting worse. He asked me what I wanted to do for our 1st year anniversary together and that hit me. Do I really wanna celebrate being in this toxic relationship? Of course not. I then ended it, I had to.

If you’re in a toxic relationship right now. Ask yourself, why? And ask yourself if it’s worth your time. If you’re afraid to be alone, think about it. Would you like to suffer or you would like to move on. Someone will come into your life, I wouldn’t say right away but some day you’ll be with someone who will treat you right.

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